Finding a therapist, teacher or school for a child with special needs that is a perfect fit, is like striking gold. Suffice to say, parents who have the tough choice to make between affording the best and finding the best affordable option, will resonate with this feeling. Nevertheless, it is quite important to recognise certain red flags when selecting a school or therapist for a child with special needs.
Finding a therapist, teacher or school for a child with special needs that is a perfect fit, is like striking gold. Suffice to say, parents who have the tough choice to make between affording the best and finding the best affordable option, will resonate with this feeling. In fact, regardless the income bracket, I think most parents would agree with this. There are always tough choices to make and so many questions that plague us:
Am I doing the right thing?
Is it the right approach for my child?
How can I afford this?
What if we can’t afford this anymore?
What if the therapist does not agree with me?
What if I do not agree with the teacher?
This list goes on and on depending on your specific situation and needs. Sometimes, out of desparation, we also tend to “go-with-the-flow” and end up changing everything that seems natural to us just so that our child can fit into a certain school. Nevertheless, as the champions of our kids, we cannot forget the main goal, which is doing things in the best interest of our child. This can mean different things to different children. In fact, things that work for our child all this while, may suddenly not work for them at all, resulting in some very tough choices such as switching therapists or school and in some cases, withdrawing completely.
Nevertheless, it is quite important to recognise certain red flags when selecting a school or therapist for a child with special needs. Here are some tips on red flags to look out for, shared by parents raising children with special needs:
Non-refundable deposits and not allowing school visits before enrolment
In the early days, I personally visited at least 10 differerent centres (or more) before finding the right fit for my son. What shocked me at that point were the places that charged large amount of deposits (in the five figure range) which were non-refundable, unless your child was in that centre for a year or more. This is an extremely good business move, as a businesswoman, I see the benefit to the business. However, how does this benefit the child and their family? What if the school just is not a right fit for the child after a couple of months? Another big shocker for me, were schools that did not allow me to visit them. They insisted I bring my child along for a paid assessment or else I would not be allowed to visit. This is a reasonable ask, again from a business perspective. However, being the helicopter mum that I am, I was (nor I am still) willing to take my child to a place, where I have not visited first, especially if that is a school I was planning on enrolling him in.
When a therapist “complains” about your kid rather than give feedback
There’s a big difference between complaining and giving feedback. Most parents know our kids well enough. In my case, I always expect some resistance from my child at first, in a new place with a new person. However, it has also been my experience that some therapists are extremely set in their ways. I have great respect for the experience and knowledge practitioners have, but in my humble opinion, that experience needs to come with a bedside manner. When someone complains about my child, it sends a message that they do not like working with my child, therefore, I really need to reconsider if this person is the right fit for my child. Our children pick up on emotions and feeling, more than we credit them for. So, allowing someone who does not enjoy working with our child, to continue being their therapist or teacher, would not benefit our child. To be fair, it would also not benefit the teacher or thearpist to be forced to work with a child they could not have a positive relationship with.
“My way or the highway”
Being inflexible is something some of our children are, but this is not something we want in a centre or therapist our child is working with. There are certain private centres that insists the child receives all interventions only at their centre. Granted, this could be a valid request coming from a place that is has the child’s best interest at heart. Sometimes, conflicting approaches could confuse the child. However, some children thrive by having different approaches and varied settings. Additionally, insisting on only on doing things “their” way, could also be detrimental to the child in the long term. If we want our children to be more flexible, having adults around them modelling it, is more beneficial to them. Also, when practitioners do not take the parents or caregivers views into consideration, this could potentially be a red flag too. After all, our children spend more time at home than they do in school or therapy.
When your child refuses to go to school or for therapy
I am a firm believer in fully investigating the reason behind school refusal. Our kids do not do things to make our lives difficult, they are acting on institct and impulse, and usually within reason. Yes, sometimes beginning at a new school, could involve some protest and refusal, but if it persists for long periods to time, this could be a red flag. Also, our child could be going to a particular school for some time with no refusal, and suddenly start protesting, this is a red flag too. The solution is not always immediate withdrawal. This calls for investagation from the caregiver. Have a meeting with the school representative or therapist. Have a conversation with your child if this is an option. Try to understand the reason behind the refusal. Also, do not be afraid to ask for a break from the therapy of school, then reassess the situation. If it is not a good fit, don’t be afraid to make that tough decision of withdrawing them completely from the school or centre. Remember to always part on good terms where possible as we never know, when our child may be ready to reenter that particular setting.
Therapist or teacher blaming parents for the child’s regression
I have heard of instances where a therapist or teacher blames parents when a child regresses. As a parent, I think this is an unfair judgement. In fact, I once experienced a speech therapist look me in the eye and tell me, my son’s meltdowns were my fault. Nearly had me in tears, as she went on telling me if I didn’t do something, this was going to be his entire life. Later, I realised she was more upset that her planned activities couldn’t be carried out because my son was having a meltdown, so she took unto herself, to blame me. Regression happens more often than we like and the blame game does not help the situation. The teacher or therapist is on the same team as the parents which is the child’s team. So, why point fingers at each other when everyone should be addressing the child’s concerns and not their personal opinions. When a child regresses, it is not a personal vendetta against the caregiver, teacher or therapist. There is always a reason and it is no one’s fault.
Not sharing what has been done in a therapy session
It is standard practice for therapists to give feedback to the caregiver immediately after each session. This benefits all parties involved – the therapist, caregiver and child. Again, this is a team sport and everyone is on the same team, so back and forth feedback is so important. Where there might be in exception is daily Early Intervention Programs (EIP), where parents may not get feedback daily, but there is always some feedback scheduled to say the least. A big red flag would be completely no feedback from a session or programme enrolled for. So, remember, as a parent, you may insist on feedback on a regular basis. Before enrolling your child in any given setting, always ask about frequency of feedback.Picture source: Unsplash
Conclusion
This is not an exhaustive list of all red flags to look out for. These are some I have experiened myslef in the past 5-years and some shared with me by other parents. Nevertheless, there are many practitioners, teachers, schools and centres that do amazing jobs with our kids. I have the utmost respect for practitioners who choose to work with our special needs kids. However, the facts cannot be denied that, there are also some out there who do not always have our children’s best interest at heart. There are instances of those who claim to be qualified when they aren’t just to earn a quick buck. At the same time, there are also those who are honest about their lack of qualifcations but have the experience and heart, so they do a fantastic job with our kids.
Always remember that we are the strongest advocate our children will have, until they can advocate for themselves. So, our millions of questions are not uncalled for, our doubts never invalid. How can we know what we don’t know if we don’t ask? And if we get shot down for asking, I say shoot back and move on. For everyone one person who shoots us down, I guarantee you there are five others willing to help us up, and move past the negative experiences within the special needs community.
Desiree was inspired by her son Haans, to dive right into the world of autism. She was led by Haans, always wanting to see and understand the world through his eyes. Sparked by this curiosity, she pursued a Master in Education (Special Education) with the hope of helping others who like herself, struggled with information to help her family on their journey. This sparked her to create this website and include a section called “Spectrum of Voices” with articles related to neurodiversity and special needs. Desiree is on Instagram here
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