5 Ways to Speak to A Child with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)

By Michelle

This is the second of a 2-part series. The first part is title My Son’s Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) Traits.

PDA is a condition driven by very high anxiety. Therefore, the idea behind talking to someone with PDA is to deflect the request from yourself. Anything we ask from them, even if it’s as simple as “drink water” or “sit down” is considered a demand and is enough to trigger their fight or flight response. Instead, they should feel like they have the autonomy to decide for themselves. For example, showing them the signboard that says, “no diving into the pool” is less triggering than you actually telling them “Don’t dive into the pool”.

Here are 5 different strategies I use to speak to my child with PDA

The Pantomime Strategy

Without saying anything pass them the item or use gestures to communicate. We sound less demanding when we have no sound.
Example: Sometimes I place a water bottle in his hands, instead of asking him to drink.

Damsel in Distress Strategy

Phrase your request in a way where it sounds like we need help (yes, sometimes we do have to pretend). This is a naturalistic situation and most people’s automatic response is to help.

Example: “Can you help me open this container?” or “Help, I can’t do this thing.. argh!” 

You Can Do It Later Strategy

If you ask the child to do something and they reject you. Instead of repeating the request over and over hoping they will at some point cave in, just tell them you will ask again in 1 min / 5 mins / 15 mins later etc.

Another example is when a child is about to do something at an inappropriate time. Instead of asking them not to do the thing, tell them they CAN do it, but later, tomorrow, weekend etc. It makes them feel like we are agreeing to their idea, but with a condition of a later time.

You Are Smarter Than Me Strategy

This is helpful for school/therapy related activities. Instead of giving instructions and asking them to follow, ask them to show you how to do the task. Many PDA kids are smarter than you’d think. We think they don’t know something because they rarely show us what they know. But if we asked them to show us or teach us, they could respond more positively instead of us pressuring them to do the task.

 Example: “oh look, which one is a hexagon? Mommy doesn’t know”

This or That Strategy 

Instead of leaving a question open ended, give choices. Having multiple choices makes the task less demanding and makes them feel like they have more control over the situation.

Example: Instead of asking them to a drawing activity, ask them if they want to draw first or another activity they like.

Instead of asking them to put on the shirt, give them 2 shirt choices to choose from, after which, the next logical step would be to put it on (without you needing to tell them, just gently guide their hands to put on the shirt).

I hope some of these strategies comes in handy. Lastly, it is important to note that sometimes, these strategies can backfire too, especially if they figured out it is a strategy (they can be smarter than we’d think!). Do know it is okay to take breaks from asking them to do things. Perhaps switch out their routines to something new so their minds can “reset” from all the existing demands in life or simply just take break and go on a holiday. Raising an autistic child is hard enough but with anxiety and demand avoidance, it is a whole new level of stress. Do give yourself and your child lots of grace and self-care. Our children will progress in their own time and space. More intervention isn’t always better for kids with PDA, in fact many parents of PDA children have vouched that the opposite works better – Less is more!