Help! I Need Support…

By Desiree Kaur

How many times have you uttered this under your breath but never out loud? I know I have, countless times. Most of the time I uttered these words, filled with resentment, self-pity and a huge chip on my shoulder because I kept telling myself….

No one cares.

No one believes me.

No one wants to help me.

Then, I stopped and asked myself, what if….

People thought they were helping when they weren’t.

People wanted to help but were afraid to ask how.

People assumed I already have the support I needed.

I have been fortunate in many ways, to get support, help, understanding, love, kindness and many good things from loved ones. At the same time, there were many instances that I was totally unsupported. There were instances when I politely nodded and accepted help that did not actually help me. I thought it would be ungrateful or rude to do otherwise. However, of late, I have come to realise, this is a disservice. It is a disservice to thank people who are helping someone, in good faith when it is not actually helping. They will then assume, this is how you support someone in need, and go on to do this with others and thus the cycle begins – people thought they were helping when they weren’t. The only reasonable thing to do, is let them know (lovingly) that their intentions, although well-intended, were not helping and offer alternatives on how they could actually help.

It’s easy to blame society’s conditioning to say that, it is weak to ask for help. Then, ask yourself, how much of it is our ego getting the better of us? One can also argue the opposite, society has conditioned me not to pity others as it is shameful for them. Throughout my challenging times, I’ve had the privilege of having honest friends and family tell me, “I do not know how to help you.” And these words, ring in my head ever so often as some of the most genuine support I have gotten. Letting me know, they want to but do not know how. I am grateful for the honest friends I have to tell me this, but what about my other acquaintances who perhaps, do not know me well enough and are afraid to ask, “how can I support you?” Another to question I now ask, is it my demeanor that prevents them from asking me, being honest with me..so thus begin cycle of – people who want to help but are afraid to ask how. Sometimes, I really do not know what kind of support or help I need, but having a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on, is the best support I get most days.

Recently, I felt totally unsupported in an area of importance to me. I did my level best to ‘manage’ for as long as I could, and then on a day, when I was not at my best, I had a mini outburst! I reached out, and I said it point blank to someone who was in a capacity to help, I need help, and I need support. This lady heard my plea, and arranged for a meeting, and graciously included others whom she thought would be of help to me. They listened, as I told them my experience of being totally unsupported in certain matters, which utterly shocked them. Then, they proceeded to provide solutions, offer support and this made me feel heard. So this is when I realised, I had inadvertently created the vicious cycle of – people assumed I already had the support I needed. By not saying it point blank, “Help, I need support” there was the assumption that I was alright and did not need anything else.

So, what now?

If it means I need to be the bad one, the troublemaker, the shouting, screaming, screeching one – then so be it. The world needs to understand EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. If only there was a pill for kindness, I would encourage everyone to take it as a daily supplement (or rather shove it down their throats by force if I have to because to me, that is kindness). I am not always right, my approach is not perfect and there are many things in this world I will never comprehend. What I can do is not let my ego be larger than life and not let bullies and bad behaviour go unnoticed. As I ask for more help and support, I have also started to call out bad behaviour by telling people point blank, that what they think is support is not support at all.

Stop thanking people for not helping and stop apologising when we have done nothing wrong. Give credit where it is due and if there’s improvements to be made, shout it out loud from the highest rooftop. We will never live in a perfect world but we can create our own version of perfection filled with love, pleasantness and kindness.

Why did I write this?

Writing has always been my passion, my go-to for expressing my feelings and penning down my thoughts. This piece, is in no way intended to insult or offend anyone. This is my way of healing. In fact, I have written articles on some of my toughest life experiences previously – always after overcoming the hurdles, because that is my version of closure. The other thing that brings me comfort is hoping that, by me sharing this, it just might help someone out there who is struggling. Even if this article helps one person out there, I know that I have done my part to contribute positively to someone else’s wellbeing. We all heal in our own way, some by writing (like me) and some by reading others’ experience. Thank you for reading till the end.