Mood and Behavior Reward Charts Promote Toxic Positivity!

By Shao L Salimzi

TOXIC POSITIVITY – The fundamental problem with approaches that focus on changing behaviors.

I was just looking through an ASD provider’s IG and came across a Mood and Behavior Chart which really boiled me up. Similar to a mood chart, it was a board where everyday, the parent or child would put a smiley on their behavior or mood for the day, and mark it off as good or bad. Then at the end of the week or month, they get a reward if they got all smileys = good mood and behavior.

Now, I have nothing against mood trackers, as they are great. But Mood or Behavior Reward Charts like this is wrong on so many levels! Are we teaching our kids that they are only allowed to be “good”, and that they can only have happy feelings?

On the flip side, and we showing them that their “bad behavior” is bad, and that their feelings of anger, frustration, anxiety and sadness are wrong and invalid?? How does a chart like this not promote toxic positivity in our kids? How it will it not affect their mental health in the long run?

The Problem with the “Good” and “Bad” Mood or Behavior Dichotomy

“Good” and “bad” emotions and behavior is a matter of subjectivity. When we put a label of good or bad on our children’s behavior and emotions, we immediately put a judgement on their state of being. We Yes my friends, we are judging our children. And this kind of judgement is the opposite of acceptance. 

When we label our children’s meltdowns as “bad”, we are showing them that it is wrong for them to feel frustrated and upset. When our children have difficulty transitioning to mealtimes or bedtimes, and we label it “bad” behavior, then we are not acknowledging the fundamental reasons for said behavior. And we invalidate how they feel.

When we punish and reward, we ignore what our children are communicating with their behavior and emotions. And do not make accommodations for them.

ALL Feelings are Valid

It is far far better, IMHO, to help our children process and understand their feelings and actions. All children deserve this respect, regardless of whether they are verbal or non-verbal, allistic or autistic, have special needs or not. Give them the space to feel those emotions. Give them the space to feel safe while keeping others safe. That anger and sadness is okay because it is telling us something about what we want. And an opportunity to learn more about ourselves.

In a cross-cultural study of 2,324 students from 8 countries,  researchers found that across diverse cultures, people who were open to experiencing both positive and negative emotions reported greater life satisfaction and fewer symptoms of depression (Tamir et. al. 2017). And fared better in terms of mental health.

So, the next time your child lashes out in frustration when she/he can’t get what she wants – if her favourite snack is not available, or he loses in a board game. Instead of jumping to trying to stop the behavior, whether by rewards or punishment, hold a moment. Give him/her a safe space by backing off all demands and inputs. Give your child the space to feel those emotions, without any negative judgement from you or from himself. Because if there is judgement, your child will spend all his/her rational response energy supressing his emotions, instead of accepting and learning to process it.

It is far more helpful for our kids to feel that all their feelings are valid. Then they can be their authentic real selves, with a greater understanding of who they are in this world.